Johnson Smith Company
“America’s Favorite Mail Order Fun House”
Fish-flavored candy… “Smoke From Your Fingertips”… whoopee
cushions… pocket spy telescopes… “X-Ray Vision” glasses… fake dog mess…
It all sounded too good to be true. Could all of these magical products
actually exist in the real world, or was it just a fantasy, teasing us
from the pages of comic book ads and novelty catalogs? For juvenile
pranksters, reading through a Johnson Smith Company catalog was like
hearing a voice from heaven. Yes, children, there really is gum that
tastes like garlic and candy that turns your mouth bloody (or at least
fake bloody). And nobody made these tricks, gizmos, jokes and marvels
look more appealing that the people at Johnson Smith.
Alfred Johnson Smith began selling novelties in Australia in 1905,
but the Johnson Smith Company dates its official founding to 1914, when
Alfred set up shop in Chicago, Illinois, USA. Back then, the technology
might not have been as impressive (no midget cameras, electric shock
pens, or TV remotes shaped like bikini girls), but the pitch was the
same: practical jokes and other novelties, sold on the cheap for
kid-sized allowances. Johnson Smith’s catalog became stock-in-trade for
schoolyard pranksters—while All-American boys were thumbing through the
Lionel Train catalog with Dear Old Dad, the class clowns were snickering at the dirty tricks inside Johnson Smith’s pages o’ fun.
No matter what the decades brought—Depression, war, Baby Boom, and
so on—there was always a place for the Johnson Smith Company. Since
there was no actual “Johnson Smith Store,” the company became the stuff
of kiddie legend. Some swore it didn’t even really exist—it was just
too good to be true (a theory supported when someone’s “Build Your Own
Hovercraft” instructions got lost somewhere in the mail, not that
someone is still bitter about it twenty years later or anything). But
it was hard to argue with the appeal of “Unbeatable Self Defense”
books, 1000 Tiny Magnets, Slot Machine Banks, “U-Control” 7-Foot
Life-Size Ghosts, Rubber Masks (“With Hair!”), and The World’s Smallest
Harmonica.
The Johnson Smith Company shifted locations over the years (only
adding to its aura of mystery), eventually settling in Florida in the
mid-80’s. The company still operates there today, still publishing its
catalog of “Things You Never Knew Existed.” And while a few modern
items seem more in tune with a Sharper Image catalog (Pocket Digital
Cameras, Titanium Watches), Johnson Smith hasn’t forgotten its bread
and butter. And by “bread,” we mean “Motion Activated Fart Alarm,” and
by “butter,” we mean “Remote Control Hand With Extending Middle
Finger.” You just don’t mess with the classics.
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